I thought I was mad at him when in reality, I was mostly disappointed with myself.  I was more concerned with taking care of his needs first and as a result, neglected my own.  It’s easy to fall into the trap of taking care of kids, spouse and lastly yourself. And it comes at a price.   Slowly, gradually you unravel until you get angry about things that have nothing to do with the real issue:  You let yourself down.

We both need a break.  We’re still in a form of shock over how drastically our life has changed in the past 5 years and it is not an easy adaptation.  We cling to an energy source that takes us out of our day-to-day reality.  For him, it is playing beach volleyball and basketball.  For me, it is going to church.  Unfortunately, they both occur on Sunday mornings and although I surely can take the kids to church with me, I’m terrified of nursery germs after our girls vomited for a combined 25 days straight last Fall.  With a infant in the house, it is a real fear.   So I gave it up completely, telling myself that at least Emmett was getting his outlet.

Fast forward to this past Sunday when I expected Emmett home from volleyball much earlier than he arrived. Maybe not as big of an issue for someone who works away from home during the week but for me, it was just another day at work.  No weekend help.  No break.*  And I unraveled.  As glad as I am for him to have that outlet, I was dripping with jealousy.  It took me a few hours and a conversation with a close friend who was having the same issues to realize that it was up to me to make it happen.  I had to start setting aside my time, instead of waiting for it to occur.  I had to BE ASSERTIVE and say “This is what I need!”  Why is that so hard sometimes?

So I did.  We agreed that we would take turn on Sundays (until I feel ready to take the kids to Sunday School).  This Sunday is mine and I cannot wait to go to church. To feel that center that I have been missing.  To reach beyond myself to that which is so much greater, putting me in my proverbial place.

And I didn’t stop there.  I realized that having quit my part-time job, which provided me a once-a-year conference trip away from home, I no longer have a “reason” to leave the house overnight, as Emmett does for his business trips.  So I created one.

I’m a *huge*Harry Potter fan.  I read an extremely limited amount of fantasy and it took years of convincing from my friends to finally agree to read the series, but these books directly caused me to fall in love with reading, ultimately become an English Major and then a teacher.  So I love them not just for their great stories but also for the gifts they have given me.

And since it’s creation, I have wanted to visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios.  Emmett has ZERO desire to experience this trip, and of course, my kids will be too little to enjoy for another 10 years or so.

So I’m going.  Solo.  To Harry Potter’s World full of magical wands, Butterbeer, and even a ride on the Hogwarts Express (@#$@$!!!!!!!).  My mom is gifting me this trip as a combined Christmas/Birthday gift and today we bought the airline tickets and reserved the hotel.  Two magical nights away from home to eat dinner by myself, walk the park at my own tempo and whim.  To browse crowded shops without my children.  It’s like a dream that I can now focus on.

I look forward to my soul revival this Sunday and I look forward to my solo weekend of fun in February to refresh, recharge, reconnect with the essence of *me*.  I’ll return with open arms, looking forward to seeing my beautiful babies, with a renewed energy to be the best mommy they need.  Taking care of me, to best take care of them.

* I have many friends who have deployed spouses and I bow down to you.  Away from family, no spouse to help.  Single Moms, too.  I kiss your feet and hope I do not come across as ungrateful!