It’s the gray area.  The wait-and-see how it goes.  The not-knowing.  Four years ago or even two years-ago I would have been crying in exasperation, frustrated that my “plan” wasn’t working.  Now, I know better.  These are growing pains and no matter how much you wish to fast-forward through them, there is no way to avoid them.  You cannot control the fact that they are happening, rather, all you can control is the way you react to them.

My tummy feels butterflies, my heart rate a little faster as I navigate a new school year with two in school and a baby whose nap-time is inconsistent.  I’ve been a diehard Stroller Strides member for 4.5 years and I want nothing more than to attend class at 9:30 a.m. with my friends.  Unfortunately, this coincides with Emma’s general nap time which wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t have to pick up the big girls at 11:45.  Unless she concedes to nap-on-the-go, I may have to take a break from my exercise class.

This would have sent me into a tailspin a year ago, but now, I have learned the value of adaptability.  There’s no “right way”.  What works for other families may not work for mine.  What works one day, may not work the next day or week.  My Type A personality hates this wishy-washy feeling.  I thrive on schedules and these last minute decisions leave me a bit breathless; but I’ve experienced these growing pains before and I realize the earlier I surrender and let the current take me where it may, the better off I will be.  Fighting it, forcing it, swimming against the current will only exhaust me further.

So I am going to take it one day at-a-time.  One day I may go for a run in my neighborhood with Emma, the next a workout video at home, the other a Stroller Strides class or a day off.  The plan is to embrace the unknown.  To thrive in spite of it.  To overcome these little obstacles that will pass in the blink of an eye leaving me wishing, twenty years from now, that I had babies in preschool and at home napping.  I choose to cherish these growing pains.  I choose to surrender-all.

Here they are, my three little horcruxes, my seeds, my offspring.  I’m reinventing the horcrux.  The evil genius Voldemort in Harry Potter defines them a powerful object in which a dark wizard has hidden a fragment of his or her soul.  I define them as Aurora, Harper and Emma; pieces of me.

With each child I’ve birthed, I’ve preserved a portion of myself.  Perhaps this is why we care so much for them- truly, we are caring for ourselves.  Nurturing and preserving them, ensuring they represent the best of us even after they have long left the nest.  The more we have, the more we give and yet when there is only one, we invest our all for it is all that we have outside of ourselves.

They say the more horcruxes you have, the closer you are to immortality.  I say, the more you have, the more you surrender.  And the more you surrender the more you realize how little you matter to you anymore.  It’s them.  It’s watching your babies grow into their own souls; nurturing their individual identities, caring for their sweet feelings.

I have all the horcruxes I need, indeed I am fortunate to even have one.  And I intend to nurture these souls individually- to recognize and appreciate each of them as they are, not for what I wish them to be.

I am flawed.  I am positive I will take missteps along the way and yet I can only hope and pray that I will keep their dreams in sight as I also mind my parents- my mom, my dad and my God.  What do/did/would they want of me?  What have I given, what do I have left to do?

My past is behind me, my future in front for me to write.  My soul encapsulated in three little girls who look to me for guidance and reassurance.

Run.  Dream.  Create.  The world is your canvas and I am your biggest fan.   You were created in love and in love, I present you to the world.  Grow.  Flourish.  Bloom.

You. Are. Invincible.

Photos by Camille Vaughan Photography.  Horcrux info from Wikipedia.