Songwriters often say they write their greatest music after a heartbreak. Athletes play their best game after a significant loss. In the midst of tragedy, artists and writers create their masterpieces. It’s almost as if we need conflict to have depth and gain insight.
I wrote a lot last year. I was surviving. Consumed by my parental responsibilities, struggling to find my identity.
I was so focused on how much I felt my kids were draining me, that I neglected to recognize how much they have nourished my soul.
It’s hard to have perspective when you are physically exhausted, overwhelmed, and consumed.
But my heart has never known a love like this. Without them, I never would have known its depths. And I never would have understood God’s love for me as well as I do now.
My children have taught me patience, the joy in the simple things, and selflessness. They challenge me to be the best version of myself, because they are watching every. single. thing. I. do. and. say.
They give me something to look forward to every morning and in all the years to come, watching them grow in character and personality.
I wrote a lot last year, when I was barely treading water. But now, I’m simply enjoying making memories with them. Hopefully that is something worth reading.
Emma nearly died twice today before 11 a.m.. Both incidents were fully preventable. Both incidents were caused because I was distracted.
The first was at 9 a.m. I was getting the five and three year-old ready for swim lessons and needed to grab their goggles from inside the Protect-a-Child pool fence. Emma followed me into the backyard and fussed at the fence, wanting to get into the pool. I quickly told her we didn’t have time and heard the gate swing shut behind me as I walked back into the sun-room, fully expecting her to follow.
Some of the items I gathered from outside were still a little wet, so instead of bringing them inside, I dropped them on the sun-porch floor and thought to look for a bag. I heard Emma continuing to fuss in the background, which is when I turned around to see her opening the pool gate.
It had closed, but had not latched.
Had I not seen her, she would have been in that pool, drowning in the next 5 seconds.
It scared me to death.
The next incident was right around 11 a.m. We had returned from swim lessons and a grocery trip and I started carrying the bags inside the house. Emma loves to play in the garage with all of her yard toys and was happily distracted with her tricycle and cars. The big girls were setting up a large blanket for our picnic.
I took one more peek at Emma in the garage before organizing lunch for the four of us, leaving the kitchen door to the garage largely cracked so I could still see her.
That’s when I heard the scream.
I ran outside, to find Emma in the middle of the street, a car stopped just in front of her. Her older sisters helplessly standing in the grass, witnessing Emma running in the road to get the ball that had rolled down the driveway.
We live on a half-acre lot but 30 seconds was all it took for Emma to make it from the garage to the middle of the road.
I had turned my back to dish out broccoli and chicken nuggets into the plates and my baby almost died. Again.
I feel foolish. I feel unqualified to be a mother. I feel angry with myself. I feel sad for my older daughters who experienced that terror and whose screams were the only reason I knew what had happened. I feel gratitude for the mercy God bestowed TWICE on my child today. I feel the need to share this story, to remind others how quickly distraction can kill.
Hindsight is 20/20. I should have double checked the pool gate like I have 1,000 other times, but today, I was in a hurry and I didn’t.
I never should have left Emma alone in the garage, even if I could see her from the kitchen, because she is 18 MONTHS OLD. But the thought of trying to prepare lunch for the four of us while she screamed and cried at the kitchen door versus her happily playing with her toys, propelled me to make that poor decision.
I tell my girls all of the time that it just takes once to break a bone, to fall, to drown, etc. I don’t want them living in perpetual fear but I do want them to understand that just because we got lucky once, doesn’t mean we will again.
We live in a world that enables multi-tasking. Bluetooth capabilities to talk while driving in our car and Apple watches on our wrist to alert us of a text as we jog. It seems there are never enough hours in a day to finish everything we want accomplished, which is why we feel proud when we are able to “kill two birds with one stone”. But at what cost?
Today, it almost cost me the life of my youngest child.
Yesterday, distraction surely caused someone else to lose theirs.
Just a week ago, I watched a chilling video that forced me to become a less-distracted driver. I started putting my phone out-of-sight in the car, as a result of this video but gradually, my phone has made its way back onto the middle console.
It seems ridiculous that I could be so careless, when this entire video is about how “better-than-most” is not sufficient. The pool fence is a step-up from no fence at all, but it’s worthless if it isn’t closed. The cracked garage door is only helpful if I keep my eye on that crack the entire time, which is impossible.
None of us is perfect, but this video and what happened to my family this morning, has been a much-needed reminder of the importance of constant-vigilance when driving and caring for children.
I’m not waiting for God to grant me any more second-chances. I’m so grateful I didn’t have to learn these lessons the most horrible, worst-way imaginable. I’m taking His grace and slowing down. I hope you will, too.
Refresh the water cups, pull back the covers, turn on the night-light. In the midst of my nightly bedtime routine, I stop dead in my tracks and look around. I take in the trinkets, the treasures, the brightly colored toys and the marks on the walls as if I am seeing it all for the first time.
Lately, I’ve been listening. Everyone tells me to enjoy this phase while it lasts because in the blink-of-an-eye, it will be gone and I will wonder where all of the time went. It’s just so easy to get distracted in the day-to-day rush and to miss the gradual evolution of our children. Board books become picture books then chapter books. Doll babies become barbies and diapers become underwear.
I kneel down on the ground and look around the room from their perspective. I can see inside the tiny oven but am in awe of how large the bed appears. In a decade, surely they’ll feel it is too small for them.
I want to freeze this moment. I close my eyes and thank God for these children. For the opportunity to be their mother, for this life I have been granted. I am overwhelmed with a deep sense of gratitude for the tiny teacups, the stuffed animals, and for those God-forsaken barbie shoes I always seem to step on in my bare feet.
I will remind myself to do this more often. To appreciate the perfect imperfections of our daily lives for the days may seem long now, but soon I will wish for them back. And I don’t want to regret not taking a moment to pause and marvel at these miracles we’ve created.
“In lieu of gifts, please bring donation items for the food pantry.” When I recently received this note on an invitation for a five year-old’s birthday party my first reaction was, “That is so sweet. What a great idea!” My second reaction was, “Should I do this for my five year-old’s party, too?”
Lately, I’ve been in purge-mode. Simplifying. I want to spend less time picking up toys and more time playing with my children.
I’ve also been yearning to teach my daughter the true joy that comes from giving to those with needs, greater than our own. But with a 1, 3 and 4 year-old in tow, time to grocery shop is hard to come by, let alone visits to nursing homes, food pantries, and homeless shelters.
This idea to accept donations in lieu of gifts seemed like the perfect solution. I would prevent more stuff coming into the house and provide my daughter the opportunity to put other’s needs in front of her own. This would be a great lesson not only for her but also for her friends!
Except that she didn’t want to do it. “But I want to open presents, mommy!” She’s been counting down the days to her birthday for the last 364 days and now I was encouraging her to forgo the gift-giving? This was not exciting for her. She seemed genuinely concerned about the kids that didn’t have a home but she still wanted presents for herself. What is a mom to do?
I reached out to my friends on social media who provided a mountain of great advice. I soon realized the following things:
The joy of giving is when it comes from the heart, not when you are forced to do so.
There is plenty of time in the future for me to get my children involved in volunteer work. There’s no need to combine it with a birthday, unless my child is on-board.
As the oldest, Aurora has always had to share her things. Something I had not considered when comparing her to the friend, who is an only child, that asked for food donations.
I should not compare my daughter to other children or myself to other mothers. We all have different situations.
Implement a “new toy in, old toy out” rule. Involve Aurora in selecting the toys to donate.
Many small actions can be more impactful than one single great action. I can teach my children the joy of giving all year-long by continually donating our clothes, food, and toys. We can participate in toy drives. We can continue to pick up trash and do nice things for our neighbors, just because. There are always teachable moments.
I want to continue to be mindful about the pressure I put on myself and the possibility of me transferring that pressure onto my child. I don’t want to turn Aurora off from doing good-deeds because her “mom made her” when she was little. I want her to give because it makes her feel good. I want her to pray because she wants to talk to God, not because she fears the consequences of not doing so. And I want her to enjoy the thrill of opening her birthday gifts, free of guilt.
In my excitement to turn Aurora’s birthday into a charitable operation, I found an incredible organization. It’s called “Project Night Night”. I was going to order bags from this charity and ask Aurora’s friend’s to bring a new or gently used stuffed animal, blanket and book to her party. After the activities of the day, we would all sit down and stuff the bags to give to children in nearby shelters.
Although I don’t think we are going to do this any longer for her birthday, I think I might still organize an opportunity for us to do this with some friends. That way she can still receive gifts and we can still give to those in need. In other words, we can all have her cake and eat it, too 🙂
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Phew. That is me exhaling. We made it. And Lawd, it wasn’t easy or always pretty. But when I look back at a year of photographs I realize just how *supremely* blessed we truly are. Why is hindsight always 20/20? Why can’t we appreciate what we have while we still have it? Continue reading →
I’m crying. Partially because my littlest baby will be ONE on Thanksgiving this year and also because I survived. I made it an entire year staying-at-home with a then newborn, 2 & 3 year-old and now 1, 3 and 4 year-old. Looking back at photos, it seems so fast. Remembering it for what it was, it feels like it took an eternity to get here. And yet here we are, and here is what we have learned: Continue reading →
Why does it always seem that as soon as you start to feel ahead, something changes and you find yourself once again treading water? It’s demoralizing and often leaves me desperate with thoughts of throwing-in-the-towel because “what’s the point?” Continue reading →