Life taught me that nothing is ever certain, and yet this moment was that, for me.
The search was over.
I found my life partner.
I wanted to spend eternity with him. I wanted to make more of us. I wanted nothing short of a life of us together, forever.
And here he was, asking that of me.
I walked down that mountain with a step so free, I may as well have been bouncing between the clouds.
Us, forever and ever.
Yes! 1,000 times Yes!
I will spend forever with you.
“Do you know how much I love you?” She pleaded every night before bed.
What was I supposed to say?
No, love doesn’t feel like the look on the teacher’s faces when they tell me to go inside since I’m the last one waiting to be picked up, every week?
No, love doesn’t feel like babysitters during business trips.
No, love doesn’t feel like the bottom of a beer can.
So, I said yes.
Yes, love feels like when you rock me to sleep on the edge of my bed.
Yes, love feels like you carrying me up to bed when I know I’m already too heavy.
Yes, love feels like I know you are doing the best you can in. spite. of.
Yes, mom, I know you love me.
Because now that I am a mom, I know how much it took for you to single-parent me and my sister.
Now that I am a mom, I know just how deep that love runs.
And now that I am a mom, I know how important it is for you to know that I know you’ve always loved me.
He looked at me, as if noticing me for the first time again and remarked, “You’re strong.”
Me: . . . yea . . . 🙂
We want to freeze time.
Even go back and relive with new eyes.
But there’s a guarantee;
And that is,
Nothing ever stays the same.
So, what’s it going to be?
Death, Faith, Friends, Identity, Life, Loss, Love, Marriage, Pandemic, Parenting, Self
What I Want You to Know
Is that in spite of my stubbornness, I am good and kind.
That I am worthy of your love.
That the reason I acted out is because I adored you and wanted your attention.
That even as a mother of four, I still need my mommy.
That I don’t want to fight.
That no one can hurt me like you can because I care about what you think the most.
That you built me to be strong in the face of adversity.
And here I am.
Take me as I am.
Love me as I am.
I am yours.
“Unable are the loved to die.
For love is immortality.”
Looking around, questioning the validity of everything I sense. What it must feel to walk on the moon. Like I’m floating out of this world. Not really here, but watching from the outside in. This is how it feels to live after loss.
And the more I realize I’m actually here, and she’s not, the more painful the reality becomes. Words like unfair. Too soon. And Why plague my mind.
The phrase “Be Kind for everyone is fighting a hard battle.” takes on a new meaning.
Suddenly, that asshole on the road is just another poor bastard doing the best he can.
And my child’s fit, is just that: a fit that will pass.
Love and Loss like spaghetti and meatballs, peanut butter and jelly- one not without the other.
And for a time, Kelly and Lauren. Best friends forever.
Rest In Peace my sweet friend. You are loved.
So count ’em twice.
Count ’em all.
And count ’em twice.
Count them all.
And count them twice.
Camille Vaughan Photography