Wanted

1916474_722799392139_1888799_n.jpg

 

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.  It’s impossible not to know this Hallmark holiday is nearing, since we are assaulted on a daily basis with ads for flowers, chocolates, jewelry, and heart-shaped cookies.  In stores, Christmas decor was immediately replaced with Valentine’s, reminding customers not to forget anyone they love.

My husband and I have been together for over a decade now and although our marriage is far from perfect, we have managed to keep our love and desire for one another alive.

I don’t mind setting aside a day to celebrate the ones we love, so long as it is not the only day we do so.  Because I believe, deep down, we all share one thing in common- we want to be wanted.

We want to feel desirable.  It feels good to be needed.

As a parent, I sometimes gripe about all three of my daughters sitting on my lap for bedtime stories, but secretly, it fills my heart.

Pet owners, school teachers, nurses, service members, fire fighters, librarians, custodians, florists, writers, gravediggers- they all are needed and likely serve best when they are reminded frequently of how necessary and appreciated they are.

In times of stress, when our marriage has been challenged with sleep deprivation, moves, or careers, my first instinct is to feel defensive.  I wish my husband would do more of XYZ and panic when I sense distance between us.  Over the years, I’ve realized that the more I complain about what I am not getting and ask for more, the greater the distance increases.  Now, instead, I reach.

I thank him for all that he is doing.  I recognize his sacrifices.  I ensure he knows how much he is needed and appreciated and in return, instinctually, he does the same.

Isn’t it ironic that during some of the more stressful times of our life, when we need each other most, we feel distant from the ones we love?  Illnesses, death, child-rearing, job-changes, moves- it’s easy to ask our loved ones for more than they have to give and feel angry at them when they are unable to fill our void.

If instead, we can reach out to grasp one another’s hand- to verbally acknowledge all that the person is already doing to contribute- we then find ourselves stronger together.

We all want to be wanted.  And the more we let others know just how much we need and appreciate them, the more they will want our love and recognition and return it.  If only we can reach.  ❤

Dee Akright Photography

Romance Redefined

1916474_722799397129_7014595_n
Dee Akright Photography 2009

Long gone are the box of chocolates and roses.  That was a decade ago.  In its place are emptied dishwashers and trashcans.  This is now.  Romance Redefined.

I quit teaching fourth graders as soon as I had my first born, but I continued teaching, women, shortly thereafter when I became a Pure Romance Consultant.  It was a job I wasn’t looking for but that I was surprisingly successful at for the next four years.  The parties were loads of fun, but the most rewarding part of my job was getting to chat with women one-on-one about their very personal, intimate lives- things they hadn’t shared with anyone else.  These women had questions and looked to me for answers.

Many had questions about the products I was promoting but more had questions about how to keep the romance alive in their marriage.  My answer changed depending on who I was talking to.  I asked questions about the status of their relationship and the preferences of each individual.  More often than not, my recommendation was not to purchase half of the items on their wishlist, rather it was to communicate with their other half.  It was the encouragement I gave the woman to tell her partner what she wanted and to be open to reciprocation.

Often, women teased that my husband must “love” my job, assuming we had a passionate intimate life.  I didn’t want to burst their bubble, but I tried to explain that although they were certainly perks to my profession, there are also “seasons” in life.  Marriage is intended for a lifetime and with that comes the changing seasons.  So when a sleep-deprived, first-time mother looked to me with hopeful eyes of how to get the romance back, I placed my hand on hers and gave her the permission she needed to know that it didn’t have to happen immediately.  I explained, romance evolves.

So often, we cling to our previous lives.  We move cities, change jobs, or have children and suddenly, we want back what we used to have.  For romance, that may mean less post-it notes on the steering wheel, candle-lit baths, and late-night dates.  Instead, the peace of your partner’s hand resting on yours after a long day, knowing that is the same hand you to hope to be lucky enough to continue to hold for the rest of your life.  It’s when your wife or your husband rubs your shoulders unexpectedly because they know you could use a little TLC after a long day.

And although the time between passionate moments lengthens over the years, the fire still burns; a reminder of how it all began.  It’s not how it was.  It never will be because now is not then.  As we grow and change, so does the romance. It’s still there, it’s just redefined.

14570680_10103333465345599_3768848980132844195_o.jpg
Camille Vaughan Photography 2016

Finding Your Lobster

That kind of love doesn’t really exist.  It’s all a dream, a movie, a flash in the pan.  It won’t last, you’ll see.

Heartache and heartbreaks.  They teach us disbelief.  We’ve been let down before so best not to get our hopes up again.

And yet, somehow, even in the midst of grief, there’s a tiny part of us that still believes.  We are scared and guarded, but still hopeful.

When you grow up with divorced parents or parents who have been physically but not emotionally together; When you have witnessed or been a victim of physical or emotional abuse, it’s hard to still believe.

And when you’ve seen another couple work and have yet to find your own lobster, you wonder if that couple was just “one-in-a-million”.  Like winning the lottery.  Possible, but not probable.

I remember waiting on his roommate’s couch for him to return from a wedding.  We had only been dating a week but had yet to spend a day apart.  It was a whirlwind romance and I was excited but scared.  His roommate hid my car keys as a way to encourage me to wait and I was secretly grateful to use that as an excuse.  The truth was, I wanted to wait.  I wanted to believe that what we had was what I had been waiting my whole life for.

But since we had both recently ended serious relationships, neither of us felt ready to jump into another.

He walked in the door and I hid my face in the pillows.  Embarrassed I had made myself so vulnerable.  Now he knew.

He pulled me towards him and explained he had been counting down the minutes to get back to me.  I cracked a smile and so did he.  We hugged, we kissed and 10 years later, here we still are.

My valentine.  My real-life romance.  The champion of my heart.  The one who brings out the best in me.  The one I will never doubt.  The one I will grow old with.  Everything I had ever hoped for.  My husband.  My lobster.  My Emmett.

Happy Valentine’s My Love.

1916474_722799267389_5858009_n.jpg
14670609_10103318811457109_8932715989716994556_n.jpg

15873148_10103535300231869_1267793688787218104_n.jpg

 

First photo by Dee Akright Photography

The Danger of Resentment

YR8A6848-cvaughan.jpg

The holidays are here, bringing decorations, gatherings and emotions.  We are faced with many decisions: from what to eat to where to go and with whom to visit and when.  Many of these reunions bring joy and solid conversation but sometimes they also uncover old wounds or create new ones.  Feelings we buried months or years ago resurface and we are no longer able to hide.  The time has come to choose how we will handle ourselves.

Continue reading

Riding the Marriage Strugglebus

 

Do you remember that moment?  That moment when you looked at your significant other and you thought, “This is it.  I’ve found you.  I’ve found my lobster.  The one I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with.”  Emmett and I knew it of each other very early on, too early if you asked us individually.  We had both recently ended serious long-term relationships.  We weren’t looking for someone and yet, there we were.  Under a beach umbrella, sharing shade for an afternoon that would last a lifetime.   Continue reading

Thriving

41340_817433379869_2751145_n.jpg

 “I’m at my breaking point.”

These are the 5 words that got my husband’s attention today.   I’ve gone 12 weeks without a single hour away from all three of my children, not including the rare solo grocery trip.  I’m working my in-home party business part-time while working full-time as the mother of 3 young children and wife to a husband who had a mid-life crisis a few weeks after the birth of our third child.

Everyone repeatedly asked me how I was feeling after Emma’s birth but how could I tell them it wasn’t me who was having a hard time; it was my husband.  “Is there such a thing as father post-partum depression?” I asked.  I researched it and found very little but it was the reality in our house.

My husband and I started dating when he was 34 years old and although life moved quickly afterwards, he had more years than most to live an independent life.  In some ways, this was beneficial.  He was able to explore a variety of National Parks, fish more days than he worked, play gigs with his band and linger on the beach for hours without a care in the world.  It was easy to get used to this lifestyle; however, this all abruptly changed once we had 3 children in a four-year time span.  Gone are the long hours on the water or beach, gone are the gigs and hiking trips; in its place are diaper changes, piggy back rides, kisses on boo-boos and stories before bedtime.  And truly, he loves his time with his girls.  He is not a mediocre father.  Just like fishing and volleyball, he is all-in.  But that comes at a price.

IMG_9136 (1).jpg

Emmett had just started to feel like he could genuinely connect and play with our two-year-old, Harper, and here we were starting all over again with a newborn.  It was more than he could wrap his brain around and he broke.  His body hurt from head-to-toe and it wasn’t from a sports injury.  One day I found him completely immobilized, lain across our bed.  He couldn’t see a way out and didn’t know how to help himself.  He had actively chosen this life and yet he felt like he was drowning.

Here I was with a two and three year-old begging for my attention as they felt replaced by the newborn, and now my husband needed me more than ever.  So I was strong.  I wordlessly woke up every night to nurse the baby, I called my mom over and hired a mother’s helper to support me during the day, and I reached out to Emmett’s friends to touch base with him.  I encouraged Emmett to talk about it, to identify that which was bothering him for I knew there was no way to move forward without putting a finger on the source.  Little by little he improved.  He took runs, he played basketball, he got out of the house to play volleyball or visit a friend and he talked about it.

All the while, I felt it my duty to remain the sturdy backbone.  He needed me, they all did. I reached out to my support group: my friends, my family and my therapist!  And it worked, for the most part.  I knew Emmett had nothing left to give, so on days I felt ignored or under-appreciated, I called upon a friend to encourage me; to remind me that this was just one of the many phases in our life together and that this too shall pass.  I constantly counted my blessings.  I focused on the miracle that was our three healthy children and the incredibly supportive friends and family we both have.

But here I am.  It is Week 12 and I have yet to really do much for myself.  So when I spoke those 5 words, Emmett said, “Babe, I got this.  You go take time.  I’m strong now.”  I thought, “What do I even want to do for myself, by myself?”  The answer is, I want to write.  I want to write new music on my piano.  I want to record our memories by finishing last year’s family photo album and starting this year’s.  And I want to write about this.  To remember what it was like in these early years so that twenty years from now, when one of us is at our breaking point, we can look back and say, “We survived that and we can make it through this.” And we will.  When one is weak, the other will be strong and together, we will not only survive this, we will thrive as a result of it.

1916474_722799267389_5858009_n.jpg
Dee Akright Photography

 

 

 

I Wasn’t Expecting This . . .

10460131_10101794494575359_804549739625353078_n.jpg

My husband and I were married in 2010.  We bought our first house that same year and got pregnant in 2011.  Aurora was born in 2012 and Harper just 20 months later in 2013.  In 2014 we moved once again and in 2015 we had our third daughter, Emma Jane.  Needless to say, we squeezed a whole-lotta-livin’ in a very short amount of time.

I’m 32 and my husband is 42, so we have felt the proverbial clock ticking as he creeps towards his mid forties.  Emmett’s father was 45 when Emmett was born and sadly, Bill passed away when Aurora was just three months old.  Emmett realizes he is getting a late start and wants as much time with his children as possible, so here we are.

12375227_10102731846314959_485883039770433567_o.jpg

We’ve gained so much by adding these three beautiful babies to our family and yet, lost so much, too.  I can still feel the wind in my hair as we sailed down the boardwalk on our beach cruisers, nearly every night, years ago from May- September.  I can taste the salt air and feel the joy in my bones as we grooved to sweet reggae music each Wednesday night.  We were madly in love and we knew what we had was special.

I am so attracted to my husband when I watch him swing in our hammock with our two and three-year old, singing Jingle Bells at the top of their lungs.  Or when he includes them in everything he does- handing him a tool, helping him dig a hole for his garden, carrying the wood that he chops.  He is an A+ father- I have never witnessed anything like it.

But it has taken its toll.  Friendly competition in a game of beach volleyball has been replaced with weekly bargaining of “free time”.  “Is it ok if I go to book club this week since you are playing a pick-up game on Monday?” Or  “Do you mind if I fish on Saturday?  I’ll let you sleep in on Sunday and will take the kids the rest of the day.”  Both of us fully-recognizing the sacrifice of the other on our behalf.  Taking care of 3 kids three-and-under is no easy feat, particularly when solo.  Moreover, our children are still so dependent, and since I am a stay-at-home-mom, they haven’t had anyone else put them down for nap or bedtime, so we are reluctant to leave them for “date nights”.  Date nights aren’t much fun when you are hauling a newborn or worrying about whether the two-year old has caused the babysitter to scream “mercy” yet.

Not much time has passed, and yet those early years feel like a lifetime ago.  We are still in love, we are steadfastly committed to one another and our family, but we are sad at the loss of who we used to be- of our freedom to spend 14 hours straight on the beach, leaving only after watching that last sliver of sun hide behind the horizon.  We long for more time hiking in the woods or fishing from a canoe down a slow-moving river, fully recognizing that none of those things will ever come as easily as they once did.  Even if we were to secure a sitter, our children would never be far from our minds.  We would miss them just as much as we would be relieved to have a break.

Life has changed.  Our lives and our hearts are full- full of healthy, glowing, young daughters; but we are still processing this great change.    We know things will get easier (and harder!) in some ways as the girls grow and that this time is precious and fleeting.  So for now, we immerse ourselves into being fully-present parents and take little moments here and there to encourage one another and give each other a break when we need it the most.

We hold onto this dream of taking our girls with us camping and canoeing- of watching them play beach volleyball and dancing with us to sweet reggae music.  And in the back of our minds, we grin at the thought of us once-again cruising down the boardwalk, ALONE, with the wind in our faces, the salt air on our tongues, and our hearts over-flowing with the life we have created together.

YR8A5061-cvaughan.jpg

 

*In order of photos included, special thanks to Dee Akright, Danielle Ice and Camille Vaughan photography. *