It was our first meeting.
And I told her, straight up:
I won’t be able to tell you what I need.
Instead, when I go into labor for the first time, and I’ve met you literally once,
I basically need you to read my mind and anticipate my needs.
Welcome to the life of someone who has no gumption to ask for help.
I didn’t say it in those words.
I said it in apologetic, self-deprecating language.
Like, I’m sorry I’m bothering you with paying to help me have a baby.
I’m sorry I asked you to be my doula.
I don’t know how to ask for or accept help.
So, when I resorted to acupuncture to induce me, 10 days after her due date and a few days before they were going to induce me with pitocin,
My doula was a mother and it was a weekend, after all.
She slept in a hospital room while Emmett and I labored all evening without the help I neglected to ask for.
I had a perfectly, beautiful baby girl and I felt like a failure.
Because I was too sorry to ask.
And oh, was this not the theme of my life.
Too sorry to ask for help.
Too sorry for the imposition of my existence.
Until I met others.
And realized, I can’t change my past but I can forge our future.
My daughters will be grounded and supported.
They will not be afraid to ask for what they need.
Instead, they will.