Author: Lauren

Going with Your Gut

Posted on by Lauren

You know what I am talking about.  It’s not just the voice inside your head, it’s that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach.  Your gut, your intuition, something almost palpable.  Whether we like it or not, we tend to feel more “balanced” when we go with our gut.  Unfortunately, we don’t always like what it is telling us, which leads us to put our blinders on to the blaring red flags, leaving us feeling inharmonious.  Today, I went with my gut.  Today, I pulled Harper out of school after just one day.   Continue reading →

Growing Pains

Posted on by Lauren

It’s the gray area.  The wait-and-see how it goes.  The not-knowing.  Four years ago or even two years-ago I would have been crying in exasperation, frustrated that my “plan” wasn’t working.  Now, I know better.  These are growing pains and no matter how much you wish to fast-forward through them, there is no way to avoid them.  You cannot control the fact that they are happening, rather, all you can control is the way you react to them.

My tummy feels butterflies, my heart rate a little faster as I navigate a new school year with two in school and a baby whose nap-time is inconsistent.  I’ve been a diehard Stroller Strides member for 4.5 years and I want nothing more than to attend class at 9:30 a.m. with my friends.  Unfortunately, this coincides with Emma’s general nap time which wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t have to pick up the big girls at 11:45.  Unless she concedes to nap-on-the-go, I may have to take a break from my exercise class.

This would have sent me into a tailspin a year ago, but now, I have learned the value of adaptability.  There’s no “right way”.  What works for other families may not work for mine.  What works one day, may not work the next day or week.  My Type A personality hates this wishy-washy feeling.  I thrive on schedules and these last minute decisions leave me a bit breathless; but I’ve experienced these growing pains before and I realize the earlier I surrender and let the current take me where it may, the better off I will be.  Fighting it, forcing it, swimming against the current will only exhaust me further.

So I am going to take it one day at-a-time.  One day I may go for a run in my neighborhood with Emma, the next a workout video at home, the other a Stroller Strides class or a day off.  The plan is to embrace the unknown.  To thrive in spite of it.  To overcome these little obstacles that will pass in the blink of an eye leaving me wishing, twenty years from now, that I had babies in preschool and at home napping.  I choose to cherish these growing pains.  I choose to surrender-all.

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Camille Vaughan Photography

Reinventing the Horcrux

Posted on by Lauren

Blog Aurora Momma Dress

Here they are, my three little horcruxes, my seeds, my offspring.  I’m reinventing the horcrux.  The evil genius Voldemort in Harry Potter defines them a powerful object in which a dark wizard has hidden a fragment of his or her soul.  I define them as Aurora, Harper and Emma; pieces of me.

With each child I’ve birthed, I’ve preserved a portion of myself.  Perhaps this is why we care so much for them- truly, we are caring for ourselves.  Nurturing and preserving them, ensuring they represent the best of us even after they have long left the nest.  The more we have, the more we give and yet when there is only one, we invest our all for it is all that we have outside of ourselves.

They say the more horcruxes you have, the closer you are to immortality.  I say, the more you have, the more you surrender.  And the more you surrender the more you realize how little you matter to you anymore.  It’s them.  It’s watching your babies grow into their own souls; nurturing their individual identities, caring for their sweet feelings.

I have all the horcruxes I need, indeed I am fortunate to even have one.  And I intend to nurture these souls individually- to recognize and appreciate each of them as they are, not for what I wish them to be.

I am flawed.  I am positive I will take missteps along the way and yet I can only hope and pray that I will keep their dreams in sight as I also mind my parents- my mom, my dad and my God.  What do/did/would they want of me?  What have I given, what do I have left to do?

My past is behind me, my future in front for me to write.  My soul encapsulated in three little girls who look to me for guidance and reassurance.

Run.  Dream.  Create.  The world is your canvas and I am your biggest fan.   You were created in love and in love, I present you to the world.  Grow.  Flourish.  Bloom.

You. Are. Invincible.

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Photos by Camille Vaughan Photography.  Horcrux info from Wikipedia. 

Taking Care of You

Posted on by Lauren

I thought I was mad at him when in reality, I was mostly disappointed with myself.  I was more concerned with taking care of his needs first and as a result, neglected my own.  It’s easy to fall into the trap of taking care of kids, spouse and lastly yourself. And it comes at a price.   Slowly, gradually you unravel until you get angry about things that have nothing to do with the real issue:  You let yourself down.

We both need a break.  We’re still in a form of shock over how drastically our life has changed in the past 5 years and it is not an easy adaptation.  We cling to an energy source that takes us out of our day-to-day reality.  For him, it is playing beach volleyball and basketball.  For me, it is going to church.  Unfortunately, they both occur on Sunday mornings and although I surely can take the kids to church with me, I’m terrified of nursery germs after our girls vomited for a combined 25 days straight last Fall.  With a infant in the house, it is a real fear.   So I gave it up completely, telling myself that at least Emmett was getting his outlet.

Fast forward to this past Sunday when I expected Emmett home from volleyball much earlier than he arrived. Maybe not as big of an issue for someone who works away from home during the week but for me, it was just another day at work.  No weekend help.  No break.*  And I unraveled.  As glad as I am for him to have that outlet, I was dripping with jealousy.  It took me a few hours and a conversation with a close friend who was having the same issues to realize that it was up to me to make it happen.  I had to start setting aside my time, instead of waiting for it to occur.  I had to BE ASSERTIVE and say “This is what I need!”  Why is that so hard sometimes?

So I did.  We agreed that we would take turn on Sundays (until I feel ready to take the kids to Sunday School).  This Sunday is mine and I cannot wait to go to church. To feel that center that I have been missing.  To reach beyond myself to that which is so much greater, putting me in my proverbial place.

And I didn’t stop there.  I realized that having quit my part-time job, which provided me a once-a-year conference trip away from home, I no longer have a “reason” to leave the house overnight, as Emmett does for his business trips.  So I created one.

I’m a *huge*Harry Potter fan.  I read an extremely limited amount of fantasy and it took years of convincing from my friends to finally agree to read the series, but these books directly caused me to fall in love with reading, ultimately become an English Major and then a teacher.  So I love them not just for their great stories but also for the gifts they have given me.

And since it’s creation, I have wanted to visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios.  Emmett has ZERO desire to experience this trip, and of course, my kids will be too little to enjoy for another 10 years or so.

So I’m going.  Solo.  To Harry Potter’s World full of magical wands, Butterbeer, and even a ride on the Hogwarts Express (@#$@$!!!!!!!).  My mom is gifting me this trip as a combined Christmas/Birthday gift and today we bought the airline tickets and reserved the hotel.  Two magical nights away from home to eat dinner by myself, walk the park at my own tempo and whim.  To browse crowded shops without my children.  It’s like a dream that I can now focus on.

I look forward to my soul revival this Sunday and I look forward to my solo weekend of fun in February to refresh, recharge, reconnect with the essence of *me*.  I’ll return with open arms, looking forward to seeing my beautiful babies, with a renewed energy to be the best mommy they need.  Taking care of me, to best take care of them.

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* I have many friends who have deployed spouses and I bow down to you.  Away from family, no spouse to help.  Single Moms, too.  I kiss your feet and hope I do not come across as ungrateful!

The Great Escape

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Runaway.  That is what I want to do.  They are all screaming and I can’t appease them at the same time.  I’m trapped.  He gets to go to work tomorrow; meanwhile, I look forward to a night of nursing an infant.  Runaway.  How ungrateful can I be for these beautiful miracles?  I shame myself at the thought and yet, long for freedom.

I reach for my book, for a moment to read, to escape to another world.  To imagine.

I look across the room and hear my children doing the same.  Imagining.  Making believe.  Perhaps we never lose this talent, it just takes a different form.

The great escape.  By car.  By conversation.  By imagination.  We escape in our own ways and yet eventually we return to reality.  In our moments of weakness, what do we do?  Do we run or do we stay?  Are we weaker or stronger as a result?

My words are my woods.  I run.  I feel the breeze, I inhale the clean air, feeling refreshed and ready to return.  Exhausted.  Invigorated.    But present.

I am here.  Here, I am.  I will not run.  I will stay, always, for you.

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Running on Empty

Posted on by Lauren

Fumes.  That is what my energy tank is running on.  It’s not just today, this week or even this year.  I’ve been pregnant, breastfeeding and waking up every single night with young children for over 5 years now and I’m spent.  This is just my story but there are so many others who are also exhausted for different reasons:  A chronic illness, a divorce, work, poverty, stress or athletic training.  At some point, we all feel tired so where do we find the energy to soldier on?

The answer is: Each other.  We lean on one another.  Tonight, when my children wouldn’t go to bed, my husband took them from me, recognizing my exhaustion level.  Other nights it is reversed but the bottom line is we lean on each other.  When he is not home, a phone call to a friend sometime suffices- they encourage me, make me laugh and tell me to quit whining and get back to work.  We were not meant to live this life in solitude.  However scared we may feel by sharing our weakness with someone else, we must do so in order to find the strength to carry on.

Sometimes it’s tough to trust someone else with our feelings, particularly when others from our past have let us down.  But we must recognize that when we fail to try again, we are allowing fear to dictate our well-being.  When we live in fear we are not living as our authentic selves and that is supremely exhausting in and of itself.

In the back of my mind, I know there is someone I have neglected to trust for fear of being duped, fooled, and let down.  I can trace the root of my apprehensiveness to my childhood but at what point do I make peace with this and stop allowing it to define my present and future?  I keep waiting to feel “ready” as if it is going to resolve itself.  Deep down, though, I know progress is not made for those who wait.  It is made for those who seek.  They seek treatment, forgiveness, peace, stability, courage, and improvement.  They seek hope.

I don’t feel “ready” but I feel exhausted and in my heart, I know what is missing above all else.  As much as I try to rationalize, dismiss and avoid, I know I am missing a relationship with my God.  I fear He doesn’t exist.  I fear putting my faith into something that isn’t there just to make myself feel better.  I fear being let down.  And yet, every. single. time. I have attended the church I grew to love last year, I left service feeling uplifted.  I felt hope.  I felt amazing clarity.  I felt humbled and I felt an immense amount of love and kindness surrounding me.

I’m running on empty and its because I have failed to fill my tank with the one Being whose energy and love has no bounds: my God.

We weren’t meant to do this alone.  We look to each other but above all else, we look to our Creator for there is no one in this great, big world that knows what we need more than Him.

I kneel down.  I ask for forgiveness in thinking I could do this on my own.  I ask you to hold my hand.  Fill me with gratitude and grant me the energy to carry on.  In your name, I pray.

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Dee Akright Photography

 

 

 

Slow it Down.

Image posted on by Lauren

Museums, Aquariums, Zoos, Trails, Beaches, Farms and Libraries.  For the past 4 years, I’ve exposed my daughters to a plethora of stimulating experiences.  They’ve seen more in their short years than many children have in their lifetime.  And while that is great and something they will see in our family photos for years to come, deep down I know that is not what they will remember.

On any random day, my eldest Aurora will say, “Remember that time when I crawled in your bed and you pretended your hand was an alligator and mine was a crab?”  Yes, I remember it but only because she reminds me of it all of the time.  It was so insignificant; at least it was to me.  But that is what she craves.  That is what she treasures- an intimate moment, unplanned, unremarkable to anyone else’s standards but something just between the two of us.

I realized, recently, how much I have depended on using external stimuli to parent my child.  This is hard to admit, but it is the truth.  I used to marvel as I watched my Mother-in-Law capture Aurora’s attention by slipping pine straw through the cracks in our deck.  Aurora was in complete awe and wonder for 30 minutes.  No toys.  No music.  No playmates.  Just whatever was around.  I envied my Mother-in-Law and didn’t believe I could do the same so I looked everywhere else to replace the one thing my daughter wanted most:  me.

You can find zoos, aquariums and parks anywhere in the world but you can’t find another Momma quite like your own.  So for the past two weeks, I have stayed-put at home.   We’ve colored, crafted, swam in kiddie pools, read books, and role-played.  I’ve never felt so close to my children before and yet I’ve been “home” with them since they were born.

I’ve recognized, there is a difference between being physically present and actively engaged.  I used to be around to supervise my children having fun at or with XYZ but now I’m having fun with them.  And in such a short time you can feel the difference.  The length of Harper’s hugs when I say goodnight and the meaning behind her “I love you mom.” She means it.  She always has but recently, she’s really feeling it.  And so am I.

I’ve listened to my elders warn me that this phase passes quickly, that one day I will yearn for these exhausting days to return.  So I’m slowing it down.  I’m soaking it in.  I’m giving my girls what they’ve wanted all along-  My love.  My attention.  My precious time.  Me.

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Camille Vaughan Photography

 

It’s not me, it’s you.

Image posted on by Lauren

Have you ever been in an argument with someone who you know has done wrong but won’t admit it?  You provide a variety of examples to “make them see” to no avail.  You usually part ways frustrated, exasperated- wondering why they won’t take responsibility.  In the end, sometimes you even apologize for bringing it up, simply because you hate to live in conflict.  How do we reckon with this?

We are unable to force someone else to be self-aware or apologize for their wrongdoings.  Many people suffer from low self-esteem and choose to find faults in others in order to make themselves feel better.  Often, they don’t even realize they are doing it.

They criticize the way you look because inwardly, they hate their own body.  They resort to physical violence because you made them feel weak with your words.  They question your career choices because they never reached their full potential and regret it.  They insult your parenting style because deep down, they are defending theirs.  They provide a thousand different reasons for why they are unable to commit, all-the-while the true reason lies buried deep underneath.

Ultimately, it is not our responsibility to “make them see”.  When faced with these difficult confrontations, it is best to first validate their feelings.   “I’m sorry I/this job/decision/outfit makes you uncomfortable.  It was never my intention.”  By using this statement we are not apologizing for who we are or what we believe in, rather, for the fact that it makes them uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry breastfeeding my baby makes you uncomfortable.  It was never my intention.”   I will not apologize for feeding my child but I am happy to express sympathy that it makes you uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry you do not like my hair/tattoo/new job/diet/boyfriend/wife.  It was never my intention.”  I will not apologize for my choice but I am sorry you do not agree.

Sometimes, we also need to recognize our part.  Is there any truth to their accusations?  Certainly it is tough to convince someone else to see their faults if we are not first able to see our own.

“You’re right.  I haven’t been exercising enough.”  “You’re right, this is not the job I thought I would have.”  “You’re right.  I am taking the hard road.”

By addressing their concern rather than arguing against it, you have taken away some of their ammo. At this point, they may find something else to argue about but before that, perhaps you can offer an opportunity of self-reflection by asking a question:  “Can you tell me why that bothers you?”

“I’m sorry you do not like _______.  It was never my intention.  Can you tell me why that bothers you?”

If we can approach these conflicts as an opportunity to learn about ourselves and each other rather than to vehemently defend, we may walk away all the wiser.  Or, we may just walk away knowing, “It’s not me.  It’s you.”

Your discomfort of my choice is not mine to behold.  It is not mine to have to defend.  It is yours to live with and my hope is that by asking you why it bothers you, I have planted a seed for you to consider; an opportunity for self-reflection.

My choice to avoid ” trying to make you see” frees me; for your life is yours to live just as my life is mine.  And my hope is that you will respect mine, as I respect yours and that in time, we will recognize and take responsibility for our own faults.  That we will show gratitude when we have been made aware of something we had not previously recognized.  That we will practice empathy in difficult situations and that we may find peace when it is not our burden to bear.

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Reality Check

Image posted on by Lauren

I feel like a fraud and I’ve got to address it.  So far, my blog, for the most part, appears as if I am shitting rainbows and butterflies.  While it is true that I grew up stuck in the back seat of a car on long road trips listening to motivational speaker Tony Robbins on tape (thanks Mom) and as a result, strive to find the silver lining in any situation, the reality is . . .I feel super overwhelmed at some point every single day.  Then I feel guilty for feeling this way because I do not have an immediate family member with a chronic illness, I live in America, I am a white, upper-middle class female with a supportive family, I have a great education and am healthy.  What the hell do I have to feel overwhelmed about?

I remind myself that it is all relative.  I remind myself of my time in Africa- when I did not know how to return to America and live this life I have been given when I knew how others were living thousands of miles away (let alone a few blocks away).  I remind myself to continue to be self-reflective.  To evaluate my weaknesses and develop plans of how I will improve.  To pat myself on the back for my successes.  To be humble.  To be empathetic.  To feel everything because what the hell else are we doing here on Earth but to “feel it all” as Feist sang?

I lose my Sicilian temper, I yell at my kids and feel bad.  I wish I could runaway sometimes or trade places with someone else I see pictures of on Facebook.  I feel guilt and regret and disappointment at my self-pity.

Pictures are worth a thousand words but we never see the full picture, do we?

So I offer you my words.  My truth.  My reality.  It’s not all rainbows and butterflies but sometimes it is, and those sure are pretty.

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Orphanage in Accra, Ghana 2000

 

 

Love to You

Image posted on by Lauren

Swinging, strolling, playing, nursing.  None of it has worked.  It is 9 PM and you should have been asleep two hours ago.  Instead, you are awake and crying when placed in your crib.  What is a mom, to do?

You had me up at midnight and 5 a.m.  Your sisters, collectively, woke me at 1, 2 and 4 a.m.  I haven’t slept in years.

After all of the trying, the rocking, the swaying, it dawns on me just what you need.  It’s so simple, why didn’t I think of it all along?

My energy changes.  I lay you on your tummy.  You fight.  I place my gentle hands upon your back.  Your head.  You settle.

I caress the soft skin on your sweet, little chubby arm and you lift it begging me to continue.  So I do.  I channel all the love I have for you through the end of my fingertips.  I calm and so do you.

We’ve been connected since the beginning and we always will be.

I set aside my exhaustion, my frustration and I send my love to you.

I slowly stop moving, resting my full palm upon your body.  A fingertip.  Hovering.

I’ve waited all of this time for you to sleep and yet I pause to marvel at your perfection before shutting your door, leaving my energy safely enclosed so that you feel safe.  Secure.

All my love, to you.