It’s the gray area.  The wait-and-see how it goes.  The not-knowing.  Four years ago or even two years-ago I would have been crying in exasperation, frustrated that my “plan” wasn’t working.  Now, I know better.  These are growing pains and no matter how much you wish to fast-forward through them, there is no way to avoid them.  You cannot control the fact that they are happening, rather, all you can control is the way you react to them.

My tummy feels butterflies, my heart rate a little faster as I navigate a new school year with two in school and a baby whose nap-time is inconsistent.  I’ve been a diehard Stroller Strides member for 4.5 years and I want nothing more than to attend class at 9:30 a.m. with my friends.  Unfortunately, this coincides with Emma’s general nap time which wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t have to pick up the big girls at 11:45.  Unless she concedes to nap-on-the-go, I may have to take a break from my exercise class.

This would have sent me into a tailspin a year ago, but now, I have learned the value of adaptability.  There’s no “right way”.  What works for other families may not work for mine.  What works one day, may not work the next day or week.  My Type A personality hates this wishy-washy feeling.  I thrive on schedules and these last minute decisions leave me a bit breathless; but I’ve experienced these growing pains before and I realize the earlier I surrender and let the current take me where it may, the better off I will be.  Fighting it, forcing it, swimming against the current will only exhaust me further.

So I am going to take it one day at-a-time.  One day I may go for a run in my neighborhood with Emma, the next a workout video at home, the other a Stroller Strides class or a day off.  The plan is to embrace the unknown.  To thrive in spite of it.  To overcome these little obstacles that will pass in the blink of an eye leaving me wishing, twenty years from now, that I had babies in preschool and at home napping.  I choose to cherish these growing pains.  I choose to surrender-all.

Here they are, my three little horcruxes, my seeds, my offspring.  I’m reinventing the horcrux.  The evil genius Voldemort in Harry Potter defines them a powerful object in which a dark wizard has hidden a fragment of his or her soul.  I define them as Aurora, Harper and Emma; pieces of me.

With each child I’ve birthed, I’ve preserved a portion of myself.  Perhaps this is why we care so much for them- truly, we are caring for ourselves.  Nurturing and preserving them, ensuring they represent the best of us even after they have long left the nest.  The more we have, the more we give and yet when there is only one, we invest our all for it is all that we have outside of ourselves.

They say the more horcruxes you have, the closer you are to immortality.  I say, the more you have, the more you surrender.  And the more you surrender the more you realize how little you matter to you anymore.  It’s them.  It’s watching your babies grow into their own souls; nurturing their individual identities, caring for their sweet feelings.

I have all the horcruxes I need, indeed I am fortunate to even have one.  And I intend to nurture these souls individually- to recognize and appreciate each of them as they are, not for what I wish them to be.

I am flawed.  I am positive I will take missteps along the way and yet I can only hope and pray that I will keep their dreams in sight as I also mind my parents- my mom, my dad and my God.  What do/did/would they want of me?  What have I given, what do I have left to do?

My past is behind me, my future in front for me to write.  My soul encapsulated in three little girls who look to me for guidance and reassurance.

Run.  Dream.  Create.  The world is your canvas and I am your biggest fan.   You were created in love and in love, I present you to the world.  Grow.  Flourish.  Bloom.

You. Are. Invincible.

Photos by Camille Vaughan Photography.  Horcrux info from Wikipedia. 

I thought I was mad at him when in reality, I was mostly disappointed with myself.  I was more concerned with taking care of his needs first and as a result, neglected my own.  It’s easy to fall into the trap of taking care of kids, spouse and lastly yourself. And it comes at a price.   Slowly, gradually you unravel until you get angry about things that have nothing to do with the real issue:  You let yourself down.

We both need a break.  We’re still in a form of shock over how drastically our life has changed in the past 5 years and it is not an easy adaptation.  We cling to an energy source that takes us out of our day-to-day reality.  For him, it is playing beach volleyball and basketball.  For me, it is going to church.  Unfortunately, they both occur on Sunday mornings and although I surely can take the kids to church with me, I’m terrified of nursery germs after our girls vomited for a combined 25 days straight last Fall.  With a infant in the house, it is a real fear.   So I gave it up completely, telling myself that at least Emmett was getting his outlet.

Fast forward to this past Sunday when I expected Emmett home from volleyball much earlier than he arrived. Maybe not as big of an issue for someone who works away from home during the week but for me, it was just another day at work.  No weekend help.  No break.*  And I unraveled.  As glad as I am for him to have that outlet, I was dripping with jealousy.  It took me a few hours and a conversation with a close friend who was having the same issues to realize that it was up to me to make it happen.  I had to start setting aside my time, instead of waiting for it to occur.  I had to BE ASSERTIVE and say “This is what I need!”  Why is that so hard sometimes?

So I did.  We agreed that we would take turn on Sundays (until I feel ready to take the kids to Sunday School).  This Sunday is mine and I cannot wait to go to church. To feel that center that I have been missing.  To reach beyond myself to that which is so much greater, putting me in my proverbial place.

And I didn’t stop there.  I realized that having quit my part-time job, which provided me a once-a-year conference trip away from home, I no longer have a “reason” to leave the house overnight, as Emmett does for his business trips.  So I created one.

I’m a *huge*Harry Potter fan.  I read an extremely limited amount of fantasy and it took years of convincing from my friends to finally agree to read the series, but these books directly caused me to fall in love with reading, ultimately become an English Major and then a teacher.  So I love them not just for their great stories but also for the gifts they have given me.

And since it’s creation, I have wanted to visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios.  Emmett has ZERO desire to experience this trip, and of course, my kids will be too little to enjoy for another 10 years or so.

So I’m going.  Solo.  To Harry Potter’s World full of magical wands, Butterbeer, and even a ride on the Hogwarts Express (@#$@$!!!!!!!).  My mom is gifting me this trip as a combined Christmas/Birthday gift and today we bought the airline tickets and reserved the hotel.  Two magical nights away from home to eat dinner by myself, walk the park at my own tempo and whim.  To browse crowded shops without my children.  It’s like a dream that I can now focus on.

I look forward to my soul revival this Sunday and I look forward to my solo weekend of fun in February to refresh, recharge, reconnect with the essence of *me*.  I’ll return with open arms, looking forward to seeing my beautiful babies, with a renewed energy to be the best mommy they need.  Taking care of me, to best take care of them.

* I have many friends who have deployed spouses and I bow down to you.  Away from family, no spouse to help.  Single Moms, too.  I kiss your feet and hope I do not come across as ungrateful!