Known

Aside from the 37 hour labor, 11 days past her due date, she really was almost too easy, as a baby. She was 16 months before she walked; instead, she happily sat on any surface and entertained herself with her surroundings- be that toys, people or pine straw. 

I should’ve known.

It was 30 hours into labor when my midwife looked at me and announced: 

“This is not your story to tell.”

Time stopped. My heart stopped. My tears flowed. 

Aurora had two cords wrapped around her neck at birth, delaying her arrival for good reason. 

My midwife looked me dead in my eyes to tell me when to push, when to pause and suddenly, urgently, when, with a roar, to give it my all. 

From the beginning, my daughter and I have challenged one another. 

Now, the tween years- the ones everyone before me has warned of. 

I fruitlessly planned for Aurora’s birth. 

I refuse to plan for these next days. 

Instead, I meet her where she is, each day. 

Just like her birth, it’s not easy. 

It never was. 

We cry, we argue, we admit our mistakes and we hug. 

It’s exhausting and rewarding. 

My girl has been stubborn from the beginning. 

But with good reason. 

It’s her story to tell. 

Not mine. 

I should’ve known. 

Camille Vaughn Photography

Badass

Everyone warned me of teenage daughters. 

Maybe they forgot that I used to be one. 

I’m not afraid of the road I’ve already traveled, 

Even if it looks different, these days. 

It’s hard, 

But our needs are the same. 

Recognition, empathy and encouragement. 

I love that my tweenage daughter appreciates music and novels. 

I love that my tweenage daughter cares about matters outside of herself.

I love my tweenage daughter’s courage and fearlessness. 

And yes, I love knowing I fostered that. 

She’s a badass. 

Inside

He said, “I wasn’t sure you still had it in you. You’ve been inside so much.”

I laughed.

Oh, you think?

You think I’ve been inside a lot the last 12 years of raising our children?

Yes.

I’ve been inside cooking meals and folding laundry. 

I’ve been inside doctor’s offices and school buildings. 

I’ve been inside the heart of our family. 

But please don’t lose sight of me. 

My soul has always lived outdoors. 

I’m still here. 

I’ve been here all along.  

Mother

“And yes it makes me crazy to think that my kids can go days-or maybe weeks-without me.  If I’m not needed, if I’m not busy, if I’m not an overstretched, overwhelmed, underslept, (…) mother . . . What exactly am I?”

I snapped a photo of this quote from Kristin Hannah’s book Fly Away as I thought, “I don’t want to be her.”

I don’t want to be that person so consumed with her kids that she has no sense of self, otherwise.

And then I thought, 

Who am I?

What defines me?

What do I want to define me?

The truth is, they are my muse. 

And I have learned more about myself in the role of “mother” than I could have ever hoped to have learned in a lifetime. 

I thought I knew the depth of Love’s Well once I met Emmett.

But I soon learned it ran much deeper upon the birth of our first daughter, Aurora.

I thought there could be no love greater than that of our first child, 

Until I had my second, then third, then fourth. 

My children have humbled me, sometimes out of sheer necessity.

Because of them, I will always fight over flight. 

I don’t have all of the answers but I do have a greater will than myself to live. 

What am I?

I’m a mother. 

And there ain’t no shame in that. 

Camille Vaughan Photography