Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, a holiday dedicated to declaring love.
And what I want my girls to know
Is that love doesn’t come easy.
Their father and I make it look like it does,
But that is because we chose well.
We both had opportunities to choose otherwise;
But we waited.
We waited to find one another.
And they are the product of our love.
What I want my girls to know
Is that love SHOULD feel easy
Because when you choose well
It is.
Choose well.
Life taught me that nothing is ever certain, and yet this moment was that, for me.
Certainty.
The search was over.
I found my life partner.
I wanted to spend eternity with him. I wanted to make more of us. I wanted nothing short of a life of us together, forever.
And here he was, asking that of me.
I walked down that mountain with a step so free, I may as well have been bouncing between the clouds.
Solid Ground.
Us, forever and ever.
Yes! 1,000 times Yes!
I will spend forever with you.
Love Story.
He looked at me, as if noticing me for the first time again and remarked, “You’re strong.”
Me: . . . yea . . . 🙂
We want to freeze time.
Even go back and relive with new eyes.
But there’s a guarantee;
And that is,
Nothing ever stays the same.
We evolve
Or fester.
So, what’s it going to be?
Oh, hey you.
You now working upstairs in our house with four children.
You who I fell madly in love with 13 years ago.
You who is walking right. with. me. Along our journey.
It ain’t always pretty.
And lately, with our youngest, it’s been downright ugly.
But there you are.
And here I am.
And we love just the same.
I knew that day we took our vows.
Baby, we are better together.
I spent a childhood, dreaming of a fairytale.
And I never settled.
And you know, what?
Neither did you.
Alone, we are great.
But baby, we are always better together.
In my dreams, I saw him all along.
He was kind and funny.
Simple and interesting.
He wasn’t intimidated by me; he could hold his own.
He was cultured but open.
Athletically competitive, but not to a fault.
He would make the best daddy ever and I knew it immediately.
His name was Emmett Carawan and he’s who I had been looking for all along.
Someone who would love me wholly.
Someone whom I could adore.
Someone I could live forever with and for.
His name is Emmett Carawan and today, we celebrate just 10 years of a lifetime of marriage together.
Lucky us.
Lucky them.
He’s tired.
And I can see.
I sit on the edge of his side of our bed and rub his face.
Motherly.
I am here.
I will take care of you.
I love you.
And I support you.
Together, we will.
Together, my darling, always.
“There is no fix.”
That is what I told him after our last argument.
This is not a fixable issue.
This is just the way it is.
Him, working home full time surrounded by me and our four young daughters.
Me, overwhelmed with the rearing and education of our daughters on top of the insurmountable housework.
Our fuses are short. Lit quickly by the tiniest flame.
And right now? During a pandemic with stay-at-home orders? There’s no out.
No, there’s no way to fix that.
But we can talk.
We can argue and let. it. out.
“Keep talking.” I told him. “And I will, too.”
No, we can’t fix it. But we can talk.
And that’s our release.
No, I cannot understand where you are coming from.
And yes, I realize you feel the same.
So, instead, let’s agree to disagree.
A truce.
Believe it or not, I was the captain of my Varsity Cross Country Team in high school. I attended a tiny, all-girls boarding school just outside of Baltimore, Maryland, filled with rolling hills and scenic trails through deciduous forests. I like to tease that I led from the back because truth-to-be-told I struggled and wasn’t all that good.
Our coach was a Vietnam Vet and also our American History teacher who completely filled the giant wall-sized chalkboard with keywords he would use to tell the story of the battle, using a broken golf club to whack the board and grab our attention when necessary. He walked with a limp, a war injury, and during our running practices would scream, “UP THE HILL, DOWN THE HILL, CAN’T GO THROUGH IT, MUST GO OVER, JUST KEEP GOING.”
I found myself chanting this long after our meets were over. After high school, after an abusive relationship in college, as I worked 60+ hour weeks into the weekend as a teacher, during labor, and now, as a mother of four children with a marriage, house, and part-time sales job to tend to.
Do I want to quit? YES. So many times! So many days! I’m too tired to get over this damn hill and I just want to sit the hell down. But in the midst of consideration, I can so clearly see and hear Mr. Bailey barking orders at me. I can only imagine what he endured to conquer his hills and in my weakest moments, I scrape the barren remnants of my energy reserves and find the strength and will to carry on.
To Just. Keep. Going.
Because the view from the top, I know, is amazing.
Camille Vaughan Photography
New Leaf Parenting 