Abuse

Choice

Posted on by Lauren

I spent the better part of my thirties examining my past to better understand my present.

Now in my forties, I feel like I’ve got a solid understanding of how I came to be who I am. 

I understand that while I will never be able to fill the gaps for that lonely, lost little girl of my past, I sure can provide my own girls with a solid foundation. 

And instead of wallowing in what happened, I can forgive myself for my missteps, buckle up my shoes and keep walking, eyes forward. 

My childhood friends and I always mimicked my mom’s “You have a choice, Lauren.” speech. But my mom gets the final laugh because, she was right!

There are always going to be people we’d rather not be around or challenging, unavoidable life events.

We can’t choose those people or those events but we can choose how we handle them. 

It’s how we respond that matters.

I have quite a few friends enduring some major life changes this holiday season- deaths of loved ones, divorce and general heartache. 

To them and to all of you reading, I reach out my hand to hold yours and to remind you that in this holy season, you can also put those hands together in prayer to ask for God’s help. 

You’re not alone. 

We never are. 

That’s one choice we can’t make. 

Wishing you love, peace and joy this holiday season. 

Camille Vaughan Photography

Forgiveness

Posted on by Lauren

It’s been 51 days since I’ve had a sip of alcohol. 

I’ve gone longer- four pregnancies to be exact. 

But this time is different because I’m doing it for myself. 

Alcoholism and addiction directly impacted my childhood. 

I’ve been in therapy since I was 15 years old and while I have always been aware of my vulnerability, I’ve denied facing the beast. 

Specifically, as a mother, I’ve sacrificed so much already for my children: my body, my decision to eliminate foods to continue nursing two of my babies with severe food allergies, my career as a teacher and sometimes, my sanity! 

Those things were short-term but at the time, my sacrifices felt enormous. So, I stubbornly clung to getting lost in alcohol as “my right”. My time to unwind. My time to escape reality and soften the edges of my frustration. 

I didn’t drink often- maybe once a week or every 10 days- but when I did, I couldn’t stop. One, became two became 10 and I would spend the next day hiding how sick and full of shame I was. 

Rinse. Repeat. For years. 

Until June 3rd when I woke sick again and hit rock bottom. 

I fell to my knees, crying for God to help me. To give me the strength to forgive myself and heal. 

I called a friend whose husband had shared his sober testimony a year earlier. She heard my sobs and truly saw me in my rawest moment. I felt her strength through that phone and knew I would be okay. 

I haven’t looked back. 

I feel free from the demon’s tightening grip. 

I feel proud and so hopeful for the time I have left to be fully present and sober for my husband and children. 

They deserve the best of me. 

And so do I. 

Camille Vaughan Photography

Gone

Posted on by Lauren

I was 21 when he broke my jaw. 

And honestly, I’d been waiting for it as a reason to leave. 

Never mind the years of emotional abuse. 

A broken jaw was a concrete, valid excuse to leave. 

I packed my bags and got a new apartment assigned, while he was in class.

The police arrived as he tore my belongings from my car. 

All I’d ever wanted was for someone to promise me forever.

But I quickly realized the commitment wasn’t worth the cost. 

Today, I visited the dentist for another cavity on the other side of my mouth. 

The one I’ve learned to chew on, the last twenty years. 

Gone, but not forgotten. 

Gone, but never the same. 

Camille Vaughan Photography