Why does it always seem that as soon as you start to feel ahead, something changes and you find yourself once again treading water? It’s demoralizing and often leaves me desperate with thoughts of throwing-in-the-towel because “what’s the point?” Continue reading
I love you. And Thank You. Continue reading
They say it goes quickly but I keep having “them” so it seems to never end. When my daughter stated matter-of-factly that I wouldn’t be able to carry her once she was five years-old it hit me like a ton of bricks. Whoa. Where has my baby gone?
These are unsettling times. A pending presidential election polarizing our country. It’s hard to see the big picture and yet, come back down to Earth. What really matters?
God. Brush Him off. Roll your eyes. Deny His existence but you still hear Him.
Family. Seriously, other than God, what ELSE MATTERS?
Love. Oh, Love. Love is what matters. In the end, it is all that has ever mattered. We are born to love if only we can find it in our lifetime. . .
Which brings us back to children.
Why do we have them? They are exhausting and egocentric but they are LIFE. And life is fleeting.
Life.
Is Fleeting.
So,
Pray. Connect. Love.
It is all that has ever mattered.
Oozing from my fingertips, rushing through my blood. Exuding out of my body, surrounding me like a happy cloud.
Joy. Quick, dancing feet. Sunshine through my teeth.
In the midst of troubled times, I find joy.
It’s the warm sand between my toes, the powerful waves breaking at the shoreline.
It’s the unexpected random act of kindness, it’s the piece of trash I retrieve off the street.
It’s the hug between friends, the laughter between strangers.
It’s the “God Bless” from a homeless man and the wind rushing through my trees.
In the midst of troubled times, I find Joy. Pure, unadulterated joy.
Do you see it? Can you hear it? Do you feel it?
Find it and you will see.
There’s more to life than meets the eye, if only we can feel JOY.
I have been super down lately. Feeling trapped, feeling the walls closing in with no end in sight. Feeling ashamed that I have so much to be thankful for and yet still feel this way. I was able to have three healthy babies, I have a home and supportive family and friends- I have no right to be down. But I have been and after talking to Emmett last night, I figured out why. It all comes down to two things: Exercising and Socializing.
My mother asked me yesterday what specifically was bothering me the most- after mentioning the dirty house, the inability to escape, I realized it had to do with how much my children “need” me right now. They are all so little and can do very little for themselves. They need me to wipe their butts, hold them, play with them, and strap them in their car seats. They all want more of me even though I feel like I have nothing left to give. I’m sure one day I will wish they needed me more but for now, it is an overwhelming responsibility. How did I get here?
Abandoning them is not an option and I am not considering daycare, so how do I make the most of my time with these little girls? How do I take care of myself while taking care of them? I exercise and I socialize.
It dawned on me that things started to go downhill for me after Aurora returned to school in the Fall, which is precisely when I stopped attending my regular Stroller Strides class since Emma’s nap falls at exactly the same time. Stroller Strides provides me not just the opportunity to sweat but also to commiserate with moms who have children the same ages as mine. It goes without saying that we all were probably up multiple times the night before, that we are feeling overwhelmed, and that we have an undeniable and fierce love for our babies. Simply surrounding myself with these mommas gives me a feeling of “belonging”- it validates my feelings all while I release endorphins by running, squatting or planking out my stress.
Although I have been jogging after Emma wakes up or using exercise videos while she naps, I have isolated myself by doing so. Moreover, I injured my foot a week ago and haven’t been able to exercise at all which has led me to the darkest hours I felt this past weekend.
I knew I had to reach out and tell someone how I was feeling. I didn’t want sympathy or encouragement, I just wanted somebody to know. So I told a couple of friends who recommended a therapist and some medication. The therapist I have but the medication, I am not ready for. I used medication when I suffered from insomnia as a teacher and it led to a dangerous dependency I fear succumbing to again.
Instead, my husband listened to me last night. And in talking to him, I realized the medicine I needed: more exercise, more socializing. If I can’t make it to my Stroller Strides classes right now, I will need to schedule some more Mommy Night’s Out. Now that my foot has healed, I will need to lace my shoes up and run the stress out.
We all have different needs- some of us may need the medication. Some of us may need to slow down. Some of us may need to hire extra help. The one thing we all need is the ability recognize where we are at the present moment. I could have hidden my feelings. I could have “coped” or pretended everything was ok. But I’m not ok. I’m struggling. Recognizing where I am presently is the first step. Speaking it out loud to someone else is the next. After identifying the biggest issue, the final step is to discover the antidote and use it repeatedly until we dig ourselves out of the hole we can’t see out of.
I see the light, now. I exercise and I socialize to refuel my empty tank. My girls want more of me, all of the time, and now I finally feel like I have something to give.
Feature image by Camille Vaughan Photography
It’s everything I ever wanted: three beautiful, healthy children and the opportunity to stay-at-home to raise them. But I’ve been doing this for four years straight and I am so tired. As selfish and ungrateful as this sounds, today I don’t want to do this anymore. And yet, I have no choice. Or, do I?
Have you ever worked hard on something and later felt guilty anytime you resented it? Perhaps it was getting through school to get the job you thought you always wanted or maybe it was caring for someone in your family- someone sick or frail. And when you are at that job or at the hospital, you know it is where you are supposed to be and yet, you feel tired. And you think, “Not today. I just don’t want to do this today.”
But there’s no one to take your place. There’s no substitute for you. And you feel trapped. You need the job to pay for the things you own or the person you are caring for truly needs you by their side as they battle whatever it is that is ailing them.
Today, the two and four year-old argued so loudly they woke the baby. I knew I wouldn’t get another break from her for at least three hours and I felt the despair setting in. I called my sister and lamented that as much as I didn’t want to do this, I had no choice. We chose to have three children back-to-back and now, here we are.
But as I said it, I could hear my devil’s advocate chiming in. “You do have a choice, Lauren. You can put them in daycare.” The thing is, I don’t want to put them in daycare and in deciding that, I have made a choice. I chose to have them. I am actively choosing to stay home with them.
You chose to have the things you need that job to pay for- a home, an education, a car, the things you purchased on your credit card. You choose to be the person at your loved one’s bedside. Sure, you could choose to leave them, but would you? No, you wouldn’t. You choose not to.
By tweaking the way we perceive our hardships, we are more-able to handle them. After the baby woke, I went for a brisk run. I burned off the stress, I released my exasperation so that I could jump back into the ring.
I felt trapped until I remembered I chose this life and I continue to choose it every day that I stay home.
I love my children, I do. But I’m tired. And today, I didn’t want to do this anymore. Still, I found peace in the realization of my choice to stay. I hope, you, too, find peace in yours.
Photo by Camille Vaughan Photography
How many times in your life have you begrudgingly said “Yes” when you really wanted to say “No”? You had good intentions. You didn’t want to hurt their feelings by saying “No”, so you said “Yes”. And whatever it was, a birthday party, an event, a good deed, a visit with friends or family, it should have been fun. It should have made you feel good. But it became an obligation and you were angry with yourself for the resentment welling up inside of you, leaving you wondering “to what end?” Continue reading
Do you remember that moment? That moment when you looked at your significant other and you thought, “This is it. I’ve found you. I’ve found my lobster. The one I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with.” Emmett and I knew it of each other very early on, too early if you asked us individually. We had both recently ended serious long-term relationships. We weren’t looking for someone and yet, there we were. Under a beach umbrella, sharing shade for an afternoon that would last a lifetime. Continue reading
You know what I am talking about. It’s not just the voice inside your head, it’s that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. Your gut, your intuition, something almost palpable. Whether we like it or not, we tend to feel more “balanced” when we go with our gut. Unfortunately, we don’t always like what it is telling us, which leads us to put our blinders on to the blaring red flags, leaving us feeling inharmonious. Today, I went with my gut. Today, I pulled Harper out of school after just one day. Continue reading
It’s the gray area. The wait-and-see how it goes. The not-knowing. Four years ago or even two years-ago I would have been crying in exasperation, frustrated that my “plan” wasn’t working. Now, I know better. These are growing pains and no matter how much you wish to fast-forward through them, there is no way to avoid them. You cannot control the fact that they are happening, rather, all you can control is the way you react to them.
My tummy feels butterflies, my heart rate a little faster as I navigate a new school year with two in school and a baby whose nap-time is inconsistent. I’ve been a diehard Stroller Strides member for 4.5 years and I want nothing more than to attend class at 9:30 a.m. with my friends. Unfortunately, this coincides with Emma’s general nap time which wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t have to pick up the big girls at 11:45. Unless she concedes to nap-on-the-go, I may have to take a break from my exercise class.
This would have sent me into a tailspin a year ago, but now, I have learned the value of adaptability. There’s no “right way”. What works for other families may not work for mine. What works one day, may not work the next day or week. My Type A personality hates this wishy-washy feeling. I thrive on schedules and these last minute decisions leave me a bit breathless; but I’ve experienced these growing pains before and I realize the earlier I surrender and let the current take me where it may, the better off I will be. Fighting it, forcing it, swimming against the current will only exhaust me further.
So I am going to take it one day at-a-time. One day I may go for a run in my neighborhood with Emma, the next a workout video at home, the other a Stroller Strides class or a day off. The plan is to embrace the unknown. To thrive in spite of it. To overcome these little obstacles that will pass in the blink of an eye leaving me wishing, twenty years from now, that I had babies in preschool and at home napping. I choose to cherish these growing pains. I choose to surrender-all.
New Leaf Parenting 