Wild Ride

Posted on by Lauren

I wish this story had a happy ending. 

Halfway through the day, it did.

And then reality set in and instead of my nicely wrapped package with a bow, I got the messy masterpiece that is parenting. 

You see, before Christmas I grappled with whether to get my children a Nintendo.  

I never had one as a child and was always jealous of other families. 

I imagined our family playing Mario Cart and Sports. Modern bonding. 

And while that has happened, my concern over screen addiction has also come true. 

So yesterday, I put it away.  

The Nintendo, the iPads, all of the screen games took a little vacation. 

And while they moaned first thing this morning, they also quickly launched into building a fishing boat made out of giant magnatiles, complete with wooden blocks taped to refrigerator magnetic gears, used as the fish they caught.  This boat even had a toilet made out of a cardboard box, so it was legit.

We played Hungry, Hungry Hippo, they painted rocks and even reenacted “ski school”. 

All was well until just before dinner time when the Hanger (hungry anger) set in and they lost. Their. Shit. 

Without screens to distract from their impending starvation, they melted down exclaiming, “THERE’S NOTHING TO DO!”

“Well, then. I’ll just burn the house down.”  

“That seems a little extreme, mom.” 

Yea? So does your so-called starvation. 

But I digress.

Parenting is hard, y’all. 

I’m 12 years into this business and many days I just don’t feel like doing it anymore. 

I keep stumbling and getting back up. It’s thankless and sacrificial and consuming. 

It has taken so much out of me, out of us parents, as individuals. 

And yet, still I know that it has given us more. 

Our children have humbled, inspired and taught us. 

And I suppose in place of a happy ending, I instead recognize that the falls, missteps and exhaustion are all part of the journey. 

And what a wild ride it is.

Wrinkles

Posted on by Lauren

I know I offended her.

But I didn’t mean to. 

I thought wrinkles were beautiful. 

They meant she’d lived long enough to earn them. 

So I asked, innocently enough:

“How’d you get them?”

I wanted wrinkles like those. 

Evidence of a life well-lived.

I’m happy to report. 

I’m earning them.

And they’re beautiful. 

Matter

Posted on by Lauren

I am not a winning Coach.

The loss this weekend shattered me when, with good intention, my husband commented of the other team, “They were coached well.” 

They were. It was the God’s-to-honest truth. 

Their coach was intentional, level-minded and strategic. 

His girls performed to his expectations without much fanfare. 

Meanwhile, I’m looking my worst player in her eyes and telling her I see her. 

I see her insecurities, worry and anxiety. 

I know she doesn’t feel good enough and at the end of the day, I want her to feel, she’s more than good-enough. She’s her best. 

It’s me. 

I see me. 

I was never good enough and all I ever wanted was for someone to tell me I was.

I am not a winning coach. 

But to someone, I matter. 

They matter.

Listen

Posted on by Lauren

“You’re not LISTENING to me!” she exclaimed. 

The light switch went off. 

I remember feeling that way, too, when I was her age. 

Misunderstood.

Her father and I reviewed our game plan and saw no error. 

And yet, that’s the funny thing about plans. 

They’re just that. 

Plans. 

We had good intentions. 

But so is the path to hell. 

I showed my hands. 

“Ok.”  I said. 

“Really?” she replied, in disbelief. 

“Yea. We’re just here to support you.” 

And maybe that’s all we ever need to hear. 

Camille Vaughan Photography

Home

Posted on by Lauren

Happy New Year, my darling. 

You know I’ve always been your number one fan. 

It’s never changed. 

It never will. 

I picked well. 

I also forced you to read a Dr. Phil book and face your past before committing to a future with me. 

We are 10 years apart in age but I’d been through enough to know you had to know yourself before loving someone else. 

And here we are, 16+ years and four kids later. 

Still learning, still growing but forever and always, loving. 

We are exhausted and committed to one another and to our family. 

And honestly, 

I burst into tears during our vows because I knew

I had found home. 

There’s nothing better than that. 

You, my home. 

Dee Akright Photography

Dangerous Woman

Posted on by Lauren

A dangerous woman.

“I’m not going to lie to you. It’s a little dangerous to live a life in which you do what you want to do, behave in a way that feels authentic, pay attention to things you find of interest, and direct your passions in any way you see fit. You are now a woman who can’t be controlled by mass media and consumer culture. Congratulations, sister.”- Karbo

A dangerous woman, indeed. 

It has taken my entire life and the help of this book to become the woman I am today, but I guess that’s the point. There’s no substitute for experience.

I’ve learned to let go of the woulda, coulda shouldas and instead, focus on the here and now. 

Instead of regret, I channel my energy into encouraging my daughters to embrace their unique selves, while still pursuing my own. 

I wake. 

Karbo, Karen. Yea, No. Not Happening. How I found Happiness Swearing Off Self Improvement and Saying F*ck it All- and How You Can Too. 2020.

Camille Vaughan Photography

Green Grass

Posted on by Lauren

Counting down the hours, I could not wait to leave. 

A break from cooking, boo-boos and bedtime. 

Time to eat where and when we wanted. 

Time to sleep in, time with my friend. 

We decorated, wined and dined. 

We puzzled, visited the spa and stayed up late to watch movies. 

It was everything I wanted and yet . . . 

Counting down the hours, I could not wait to leave. 

I missed my husband and children. 

The grass is always greener.

Our Best Self

Posted on by Lauren

“I wish I could tell you it gets easier but I’d be lying.”  I told her. 

“I’m 40 years old and still dealing with friendship drama!”

She hugged me tightly and admitted, “That sucks.”

Yea, it does. 

It’s hard.

We change, the people change, the discomfort remains.

We’re all learning and growing.

Who am I my most authentic self around?

It has nothing to do with history and everything to do with who we’re becoming. 

We continue to become our best self. 

Sometimes towards one another and sometimes not. 

The one thing we can always count on is: Change. 

We hold, we release, we become

Our best self. 

Three Words

Posted on by Lauren

It’s just three words so why are they the hardest to say aloud?

“I. Need. Help.”

Her teachers were shocked: “She is so happy and helpful in class. She has friends and is on honor roll. I never saw this coming.”

How many times have we heard this same story of surprise? 

At what point do we not wait until it becomes irreversible regret and start paying attention to the little signs?

Depression is not sudden. 

It’s gradual. 

We know this but we don’t want to label it so we look for other explanations. 

Meanwhile, they continue drowning.

Not my child. 

“But if I tell her what’s wrong, I’ll cry!” She laments. 

It’s better than crying in the bathroom, I remind her.

School therapists are like life guards; on the side ready to offer help when needed. 

Our struggles may be a part of our story but they don’t have to be the end.

But first, we must take the hardest, most important step. 

Admit that we are struggling and ask for help. 

It’s just three words.

Camille Vaughan Photography