Counting down the hours, I could not wait to leave.
A break from cooking, boo-boos and bedtime.
Time to eat where and when we wanted.
Time to sleep in, time with my friend.
We decorated, wined and dined.
We puzzled, visited the spa and stayed up late to watch movies.
It was everything I wanted and yet . . .
Counting down the hours, I could not wait to leave.
I missed my husband and children.
The grass is always greener.
“Unfair!” “Bad call!” “These refs are the worst.”
All sentiments I heard from my players last basketball season.
Victims.
At our last practice, I gave each girl a flashlight.
“Ultimately, you choose what you shine your light on. Are you going to shine it on what is out of your control? Unfair players and referees? Offensive injuries? Or, instead, are you going to shine your light on what you CAN do. Are you going to see the possibility?”
In the heat of the moment, the lesson remains true: Focus on what you alone can control.
This same principle applies to my daughters with nightmares.
Can we control the terrible thoughts that enter our heads? Not always.
But can we allow them to pass by us like a moving thundercloud without allowing them to rain on our parade? Yes.
We can choose to shine our light, our thoughts on something that brings us joy.
A recent trip to the beach, the taste of ice cream, a memory of snow. The possibility.
No, we cannot control that which offends our personal space.
But we surely can control how we respond to it.
It’s our light.
And we choose where it shines.
Ballers.
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At first, a thread.
Then, the seam.
Piece by piece,
My unraveling.
Not the sort you might think:
My pretty dress, favorite shirt.
Instead, my knots.
My tension, stress, anxiety.
Bit-by-bit,
Loosening.
Letting go.
They are all off to school.
I said no to volunteering.
And here I am.
Unraveling the last dozen years.
There was a moment when I considered adding to the size of this knot.
More money, more things, more praise.
Instead,
Less.
Unraveling.
Piece to Peace.
Camille Vaughan Photography
The crowd gathered round.
Electricity.
You could feel it in the air and we all wanted to witness.
Most didn’t know what for but I knew.
These were my parents.
Illicit lovers so long ago.
Not meant to be forever.
But meant to make and love me.
Years passed but their magnetism never did.
If only we could all be so lucky to love, at least once
Just like that.
They were my island.
My safe haven from the rushing waters.
In time, the shoreline shrank, leaving me grasping for olive branches.
I had a choice to make.
Do I stay, hoping and praying for the island to return?
Instead, I let go.
Allowing the current to take me.
I built my own boat from the surrounding pieces of my life.
And found myself stronger than ever.
The Captain.
He said, “I wasn’t sure you still had it in you. You’ve been inside so much.”
I laughed.
Oh, you think?
You think I’ve been inside a lot the last 12 years of raising our children?
Yes.
I’ve been inside cooking meals and folding laundry.
I’ve been inside doctor’s offices and school buildings.
I’ve been inside the heart of our family.
But please don’t lose sight of me.
My soul has always lived outdoors.
I’m still here.
I’ve been here all along.
I spent the better part of my first forty years desperate for others to understand how far I’ve come from where I started.
Surely, they’d respect and understand me more?
But now I know, we all have stories, untold.
And it’s best to approach all with the grace we’ve always wished upon ourselves.
Hold my hand.
Lean in.
We’ve come so far.
So long,
Farewell.
It’s time to say goodbye.
Goodbye.
The teacher asked us to take notes.
I had no idea what she meant by that.
Pauli saw the panic.
She met me where I was.
She calmed me down and step-by-step, taught me how.
I will never, ever forget her kindness.
“Look for the helpers.” Mr. Rogers said.
I did.
And I still am.
In fact, I’ve become one.
New Leaf Parenting 